


DirkJake Mad Libs

by Elendraug



Series: Homestuck Mad Libs [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, M/M, Mad Libs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:40:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22465036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/pseuds/Elendraug
Summary: When Dirk runs into a certain ex-boyfriend at Rose and Kanaya's place, he must suddenly deal with the fact that his heart will never be the same. What happens next? The possibilities are endless!
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Series: Homestuck Mad Libs [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1616743
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7





	DirkJake Mad Libs

**Author's Note:**

> [♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXqblYbUAeI)

It was a [ADJECTIVE] day as Dirk [-ED VERB] towards Rose and Kanaya’s [TYPE OF DWELLING]. They were hosting a [MULTILEVEL MARKETING SCHEME] party and had sent him an invitation via [SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM], and he had decided to take a rare break from a [TYPE OF ENGINEERING] project to stop by and visit.

“Oh look who is at the door, [PET NAME],” said Kanaya, with perfect enunciation. “It is none other than our [ADJECTIVE] [SEXUAL ORIENTATION] friend, Dirk.”

“Actually, I’m not [SEXUAL ORIENTATION], I’m gay,” Dirk said. “And I have no emotions, so I don’t make friends. No offense.”

“Some taken,” Rose assured him. Her voice was as cold as [COLD THING].

“Can I see the catalog?” Dirk asked. “If they’re selling a [USELESS ITEM], put me down for like, eleven of them.”

“Those will not be in season until after twelfth perigee’s eve,” said Kanaya, with perfect enunciation. “But if you would like to place a preorder we can arrange that.”

“You ladies have spoken too much already,” said Dirk misogynistically. “Later.”

“Tata for now,” said Rose. Her voice was cooler than being cool: it was ice cold. Alright, alright, alright.

“[BRITISH COMPLIMENTARY CLOSE, FOR SOME REASON, WITH NO CONTRACTIONS],” said Kanaya, with perfect enunciation. "I have been looking at your salutary texts for your human colloquialisms."

“That word doesn’t mean what you think it does,” said Dirk, because he is the focus of the story and women are set dressing.

“[BRITISH SALUTATION, FOR A SLIGHTLY BETTER REASON]!” exclaimed Jake. “Strider, I didn’t think you’d be here!”

Dirk, who had no emotions, felt [EMOTION] as a blush fell upon his cheeks at the mere sight of Jake’s visage. “Jake. What are you doing here,” he monotoned, like a robot.

“Well to be perfectly honest I saw the [A DIFFERENT USELESS ITEM] in the [SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM] invitation and I just couldn’t say no to that.”

“You managed to say no to me,” Dirk said, scathingly, like a tin can with no emotions who was also angry and betrayed. His heart was a shattered [SHATTERABLE OBJECT].

“I’m sorry Dirk but I simply can’t accept all of the [SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM] invites that I receive. A fellow can’t be double booked for every social engagement, you know,” explained Jake, as clueless and tonedeaf as [POLITICIAN YOU DISLIKE].

“You know damn well that’s not what I meant,” Dirk snapped at Jake, who did not know damn well what he meant. “Ever since we broke up, I’ve been [-ING VERB] [STATE OF CONSCIOUSNESS OR LACK THEREOF] in bed all night, [-ING VERB] and [-ING VERB].”

“Er, if I recall correctly, and it’s possible that I don’t because I was _very_ affected by a sugary plot device at the time,” Jake began, “weren’t you the one who dumped me?”

“Despite what you may have assumed, I remember nothing, and furthermore, I don’t know how to read.” Dirk slammed his [BODY PART] on the [PIECE OF FURNITURE]. “All I can think about is your [ADJECTIVE] [ANOTHER BODY PART] and how [EMOTION] I felt when you [-ED VERB] me with your [ADJECTIVE] [A THIRD BODY PART]!”

“Oh dear Strider please do mind the furniture,” said Jake, who was a [PEJORATIVE IMPLYING JAKE IS EFFEMINATE] or something.

“You’ve shattered my heart like a [THAT SHATTERABLE OBJECT FROM BEFORE] for the last time, English!” Dirk declared, unsheathing his [TYPE OF SWORD] from his pocket.

“Not in our [TYPE OF DWELLING],” warned Kanaya, with perfect enunciation.

“Did you hear something?” asked Jake.

“All I can hear is the lonesome beating of my heart’s tattered remains,” bemoaned Dirk as he brandished the [TYPE OF SWORD]. “It’s time to duel!”

“I never played [TRADING CARD GAME],” said Jake. “The only one I had was [DIFFERENT TRADING CARD GAME].”

“Nevermind that.” A flash of light caught the edge of Dirk’s [FASHION ACCESSORY]. “Tonight, we do battle to settle this like men: with gratuitous violence.”

“Could we possibly have a conversation instead?” Jake asked, like a [INSULT]. “I’d greatly prefer that.”

“It’d be more constructive than destroying our [ROOM WITHIN A HOUSE],” added Rose.

“Jake, did you leave the TV on in the other room?” scoffed Dirk. “I’m hearing voices.”

“D-Stri you are beginning to worry me. I think you should think about relaxing with a [RELAXING THING TO DO] and revisiting this topic when you are of sounder mind.”

“Absolutely not,” Dirk growled. He [-ED VERB] over to where Maplehoof’s corpse had been stuffed and displayed as a questionable gift from Jade. “The only thing I ever think about is your turgid [BODY PART] [-ING VERB] into my [BODY PART].”

Jake backed away and nearly tripped over a neatly arranged display of [YET ANOTHER USELESS OBJECT, PLURAL]. “Dirk you’re making me uncomfortable.”

Dirk waved the [SWORD] around, [-LY ADVERB]. “You are my soulmate and I can never be complete again until we are together forever.” 

“Hold on now Dirk that doesn’t seem especially healthy or even like something you’d say.” Jake held up his [BODY PARTS] to de-escalate the situation. “And would you please stop kicking Maplehoof? It’s upsetting [YOUR FAVORITE HOMESTUCK CHARACTER].”

[YOUR FAVORITE HOMESTUCK CHARACTER] made a sad face from where [THEIR PRONOUN] [WAS/WERE] sitting on the [FURNITURE].

Dirk moved the toe of his [TYPE OF SHOE] away from Maplehoof’s [CUTE ADJECTIVE] remains and let the [SWORD] drop to the floor. He stared at his feet. “Damn it, Jake. For once in your life, you’re right. This is incredibly stupid.”

“Get out of our [TYPE OF DWELLING],” threatened Kanaya, with perfect enunciation.

“You may leave payment for your orders on the [FURNITURE], or send it through [PAYMENT APP],” Rose added icily and like an academic or psychiatrist or whatever. “But yes, get the fuck out.”

“Roger that,” said Jake, who retrieved a large sum of [TYPE OF CURRENCY] from his [ARTICLE OF CLOTHING] and placed it on the [FURNITURE] as asked. “Sorry for all the trouble, Rosemary.”

“We are individual people,” said Rosemaryam, with perfect enunciation.

“Right-o!” said Jake as he walked out the door.

“My only defining character trait is that I [VERB] it up the [BODY PART],” said Dirk, as he followed behind Jake and stared at his [BODY PART].

“Aw man, I just wanted to buy some overpriced [WHIMSICAL ITEM, PLURAL] from [MULTILEVEL MARKETING SCHEME]!” said [YOUR FAVORITE HOMESTUCK CHARACTER].

“This was a gr8 party,” said Vriska. “I can’t w8 until the next one.”

“I imagine it will be more of the same,” said either Rose or Kanaya, with perfect enunciation.


End file.
